A Needle of Happiness in a Hay Stack of Sadness

So life can be pretty shitty sometimes, right? Sometimes it just throws you a curve ball at the last minute and no matter how good you claim your reflexes are or how great you can catch; sometimes you just don't expect it and it hits you right in the face and knocks you flat on your back side. Right!? Sometimes you have everything planned out and you get that curve ball, you panic, you feel embarrassed but you adapt and adjust and make new plans for your next move, right? But then for that small minority of us, life decides that's too boring and too easy so guess what? Yeah, you got it! It throws you another curve ball, and in that moment, you want to give up, you want to just.... (i'm really trying not to swear now more of my family read my blogs, shush i know i swore in the first sentence.) Okay i kinda forgot where i was going with this..

Anyyyywaaaayyyyy back to my point. Sometimes life knocks you on your ass more than once in a really short amount of time, and you just have deal with it. But you also have to smile, or at least that's what i have to do.

Why I'm writing this blog...

Okay, so. Over a month ago I found out i was pregnant. For a second time. For those close to me they knew how utterly screwed i felt and how panicked i felt. My first pregnancy had ended in a pretty shitty way, for those of you who are new here (welcome!), i had a molar pregnancy a form of miscarriage that leaves you confused, scared and with months of blood and urine tests to ensure you don't get a form of cancer that can come from any remainder cells of that pregnancy. See...? shitty.

But yeah, i was pregnant so while i was terrified this could have been another molar pregnancy and making the plans for what i would do about University. My mind betrayed my sense and started thinking of baby names, imagining my life with a successful and healthy pregnancy, a little baby, a first smile. ALL of that stuff. So with all those wonderful thoughts in my head my only concerns were that my baby was going to be okay, and it was in fact going to be a baby and not a tumour/molar/blob of cells that weren't going to develop. What was not on my radar at all, was an Ectopic Pregnancy.

So life had thrown me the curve ball of being pregnant, but i dealt with it, i smiled, i cried, i made plans. I was ready for a second time to be a Mom and do all those Mothery things. BUT life threw me another curve ball. And i tell you what, it truly did knock me onto my ass for 3 weeks... of bed rest.

I'm not going to go into great deal about what happened, because this post is not all about my second (failed) pregnancy, and i'll be honest i don't want to.. But here it goes:

Sunday 7th August - I started to bleed and pass a few clots. A&E told me there was nothing to worry about and i just needed to rest. The bleeding stopped after a few hours and we put it down to attachment bleed or spotting. Hope was built up again.
Tuesday 9th August - I go for a Scan at the Early Pregnancy Unit, nothing shows up. There's a mass in my left tube. My bloods HCG level indicate I'm pregnant. I'm told its Ectopic and readied for Surgery. After hours of crying with my mom, the consultant came to tell me they think there is still hope and i need to go back for regular blood tests. I could still have a healthy baby, yay! So rocking a killer headache i went home.
Thursday 11th August - My bloods dropped from 860 to approx 840. I start looking for other explanations, such as vanishing twin syndrome. I'm still hopeful.
Saturday 13th August - My bloods dropped to 790, I'm starting to give up hope. But something keeps telling me I'm fine, maybe its just a blip?
Monday 15th August - Another scan, still nothing to show. The mass on my left tube appears to still be there. I'm left on a ward with my mom battling with my emotions and trying to come up with a positive spin. We played I Spy for about 2 hours. My bloods increased to 890 which made my heart leap for joy. But the consultant said it wasn't enough and gave me the heart wrenching news my pregnancy was definitely Ectopic and she wanted to give me the Methotrexate Injection instead of putting me through surgery, while it was a better option, i have never experienced so much pain through an injection but I'm not going to go into details. My pregnancy was going to be over, i was not going to have a baby.

Soooooo.....

So there it is, a week of roller coaster emotions, heart break, hope, self doubt and most annoyingly. The development of my needle phobia. I am 20 years old and i now need my mom or dad in the room with me when i have my bloods taken because my brain goes into ultimate panic mode. The following weeks after my injection have been pretty rough. I once cried because i was having to walk around like an old lady and it took me forever to get up the stairs (10 whole minutes). My mood flips from laughing to suddenly hating the world. I was worried i would lose my hair from the injection, I've not been allowed in the Sun because i could burn easier. My immune system has lowered and i was still at risk of my tubes rupturing.

If i am perfectly honest with you even now, just over 2 weeks since my injection, i only have more energy than normal because ive drank an orange lucozade. I would also be saying this was the first day i haven't cried, if i hadn't watched Me, Earl and the Dying Girl this afternoon and cried like a baby.

I'm healing, my bloods have dropped all the way down to 56, my body is getting stronger, my appetite is returning and I've made plans for University in a few weeks time.

Okay so, the reason I've wrote this blog, is:

1. To raise more awareness on miscarriages, molar pregnancies and now ectopic pregnancies and offer support to all of the amazing women and men who have either lost a baby through these quirks of human nature, or know someone who has.

and

2. Because i want to tell you how important it is to smile. I've started to believe that life has these quirks and throw us these curve balls to remind us how good it is to smile, and how important that smile is. My heart had been ripped in half on that Monday and i could have easily slipped into Depression as i stared into nothingness sat on a Hospital bed in pain, but my mom sighed and said "I spy with my little eye something beginning with..." and despite everything i was going through i couldn't help the silly little smile that came to my face or the chuckle as i gave in and started to play.
I could have easily ignored the accidental call from my Co Specialist at Summer Camp (where i worked all Summer in America) after i accidently pocket dialed her, because i was in such a terrible mood. But i didnt, i answered and we had a small 10 minute chat and i laughed so hard, my face hurt from smiling. And i felt good. Really good.

Since i lost my first pregnancy, i could have given up and let grief engulf the rest of my life. But i learnt to smile and laugh again. It was hard but i did it. Life picked back on up, and i finished College with 3 Distinction Star grades and got my place into my dream University to study Sport in Secondary Years, I was invited to Buckingham Palace to receive my Gold DofE Award. I worked a Second Summer at Camp Allyn Ohio, and made even more amazing friends. I became pregnant for a second time and experienced all that excitement, but then the heart break of losing that pregnancy.

A Needle of Happiness in a Hay Stack of Shittiness

Despite the crap I've felt over the past few weeks, I've found its important to smile. And that no matter how terrible that curve ball is that life may (or may not,) throw at you, you can still smile. There's still somewhere in you that needs to be fed happiness and not be drowned by sadness. I feel that when people go through these things, they don't know how they should feel. Should we feel guilty for smiling and laughing when we have just lost a child? My answer, No. We all need to smile,

I read a beautiful article (i'm sorry i cant remember the name or who wrote it) but it was about how Buddhists or those who follow some of the teachings of Buddhism deal with miscarriage and there was a quote in it that made me feel really really good and brought a smile to my face.
"She was a Mother from the moment the universal light settled briefly within her." 
For me this gave me a reason to smile through my grief and sadness, because that little cluster of cells from my Molar Pregnancy AND my Ectopic Pregnancy made me a Mother. While i don't have a baby bump and i don't have a child to show for that, it doesn't matter. I was and am still a Mom, and that's a reason to smile. I'm a mother of those memories, of those cravings, feelings, mood swings and body changes. And that's only 1 in a huge list of reasons to smile.

I've learnt that sure life can knock you down, but I've learnt the best way to defeat guilt, sadness and negativity is by being positive and smiling. It might seem obvious, but trust me when you feel like you're worlds been shattered around you, the thought of smiling feels like trying to find a needle in a hay stack. But just like finding a needle in a hay stack, its not impossible, it is with a lot of time, energy and effort and POSITIVITY (see what i did there?) very possible.

I love my life, even with the shitty parts, because i doubt i would be this positive, this strong and this confident as a human being, if i hadn't gone through the heart break, fear and character building I've been through, especially over the past 2 or 3 years.

I want to also point out, that my mom and dad have helped me grow a lot through these horrible situations i have been put in despite how horrible it must be for them to experience their child go through such horrible things. I want to thank my mom for coming with me to every blood test I've needed to have since, and being so supportive. See, if that's not ANOTHER needle of happiness in my haystack of shittiness i don' know what is.

Trying to finish this blog...

I hope this blog makes sense, and you can take something away from this blog (even if its googling what Methotrexate is) because it means a message of some form is being sent out to you.

I want you to smile, i want you to find small things that may be stupid but they make you smile. Play I Spy the next time you're out shopping, its a great game, and i promise you'll smile. I want you to remember that no matter how shitty you may feel at times, and how unfair your life may seem, (we've all experienced and will experience this again at some point) you should still smile. You should still keep that little flame of happiness glowing. And if you see that someone feels down, or looks sad, be there for them and help remind them that the little needle of happiness that's been lost in the hay stack of sadness/anger/depression can still be found. Hey if you use a needle in the hay stack metaphor for that, they might just crack a smile because of how crazy you might sound.

Keep smiling guys, i love you all dearly. Even the people who might not know who i am because this is a public blog and can be found by anyonnneeeeee, i want you to know that for whatever reason it is you found my blog, remember to smile and that this crazy British girl is sending some love your way.

Until next time, and i promise one day i'll start writing blogs more frequently

Much Love
Always

Hayley Kati x

"No matter how tired i am, how bad my skin is right now, how crappy my body has been, i still have reasons to smile. And boy, does this smile make me feel good!" - Me

Song of the Day - Not Alone by Starkid (from A Very Potter Musical)

If you have been through a miscarriage (of any kind) or know someone who has, here are some links that you may find helpful. Or leave a comment and i'll get back to you!
The Miscarriage Association
The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust

A Quirk of Human Nature

Good Afternoon,

Has it really been this long since my last post? Is it really practically a year since I did the mahoosive JOG to LE cycle trip with the Gold DofE Bunch and Horizon Expeditions? Time sure does fly past if you let it and for me one of my favourite quotes from the movie "Inside I Am Dancing" (starring Mr Hotty Pants James McAvoy) sure does apply here. "Did you see that? That was life passing you by."

A lot has happened since that Bike Trip, to the world, to my friends and to me. And this post is not about an adventure or a sporting event i have done, it is about something very close to me, that a lot of my friends don't know the details about.

A Happy Surprise

About 5/6 months ago, i became pregnant. Being 18 and recovering from Glandular Fever it really was the scariest thing to happen to me. I didnt know what to do, what to say, whether to be happy or whether to curl up in a corner and cry.

I was perfectly healthy, i was visited by the midwife and all was positive. I was planning my baby names with the support from my family, close friends and extended family. There was no doubt at all that anything would go wrong. So when it came to my first scan, i was already super excited to see my little munchkin and had announced to the world how i couldnt wait to be a mom, and that i was pregnant. So off i went with my Auntie for my dating scan.

And that was the start of the worst couple of days of my life.

Please God No, Not Me

I remember standing on the scales being weighed just before my scan, and my heart pounding as my weight hit 61kg, considering the last time i weighed myself i was 70+kg i figured i had a reason to worry. But everyone said it was normal sometimes, but the doubt was already trickling in. Smiling nervously at the nurse, i lay down and lifted up my tummy. Closing my eyes i begin to pray, and im not religious, but i just had to pray all was well. I wanted it to be perfect, i wanted my Aunt to gasp and laugh, the heartbeat to be heard. But there was nothing, repeatedly i was asked how far gone i believed i was. I didnt have an answer as i hadnt had a period since coming off the pill. Jesus i couldnt even think about anything else. As i sat up and dryed my stomach off i looked at the screen and could only see a small black mass, and i knew that shouldnt be there. That there should be a baby. But the nurse was positive and sent me off to the Womens Hospital to the Early Pregnancy Unit as she thought that i wasn't that far gone or the baby could be lying in an awkward position. Did i believe her? God no.

So then came the long drive to the womens, my three best friends texting me to stay positive and they were here whenever i needed. I couldnt speak, my mouth was dry and i couldnt stop the tears. The nurses smiled as they greeted me, handing me tissues and holding my hand as they gave me words of hope and comfort, and off i was sent for my second scan. I was asked if i was okay, i laughed shaking my head. Lying down once more i lifted up my top and was given an unltrasound scan, the entire time i looked at the scanners face, trying to find a flicker or something in her expression. Nothing. And then she said the words that no woman wants to ever hear, "I am so sorry, but it looks like baby passed away." My heart shattered, my mind exploded and i sobbed my heart out, not wanting to move, praying i would wake up from this nightmare. But i didnt.

A Quirk of Human Nature 

As it turns out, from looking at my scan doctors believed i had something known as a Molar Pregnancy. A rare quirk of human nature that affects 1 in 1200 pregnancies. Not many people know about it, none of my family did and those friends i told didnt either.

A Molar Pregnancy is where the Trophoblast (the part where thge placenta and membranes develop) grows in a disorganised way and basically takes up the space that would have been taken up by an Embryo. As the mass swells and fills up the womb, it is known as a Hydatidiform Mole.
On top of being given this information i was then told about the two types of Molar Pregnancies, one is known as a complete mole where when the sperm and egg join there is no sharing of genetic material (this can be due to the egg not containing any genetic info) normally the egg would die, but rarely it can still implant the womb, when it does instead of an embryo growing and becoming a baby. Only a Trophoblast grows.
Then there is the partial mole, this is where two sperms fertilise the egg (which according to doctors should be impossible) there is too much genetic material, and as a result the pregnancy is abnormal with the placenta actually outgrowing the baby. Sometimes there is a foetus, other times there are not, but if it is there, the baby does not develop. (pretty crappy right?)
I was then told about how a Molar Pregnancy could become Invasive, this is where the complete molar invades deeper into the womb than it should.

Out of the above my panic rose hearing about the Invasive Molar, as it can spread outside of the womb forming Choricarcinicoma. Which is a very rare tumour as the trophoblast cells become completely disorganised, invade and spread widely, and that have become cancerous. While in my head i was screaming "So what i lose a baby and could have cancer now!?" I was comforted (sort of) to know that it is detected very early with an almost 100% cure rate.

What happens now?

So coming off the boring factual part, most of you probably scanned over... On to the quirk of human nature, the nasty side of having a Molar Pregnancy is that your body still releases all the normal hormones of being pregnant, i had the food cravings (Jelly and Sea Weed), i had the morning sickness and the saddest of all, i was starting to get a pretty decent sized bump. However once your between 8 to 16 weeks (we believe i was at the top end but who knows?) you begin to have the symptoms of a miscarriage.

What happened after being told this information wasn't nice, i had no control or say in the matter. It just had to be done. I was admitted into hospital the next day to have the mole (my pregnancy) removed via operation. To do this in a nut shell they use a suction tube and basically vacuum it out of you while you're put under. I was terrified. I'd never had an operation before, i was scared of going to sleep. I didnt want doctors to see me, let alone take my pregnancy from me! I was a state, i didnt want to talk, and i just couldnt stop asking the question, why me?
However the operation while waking up in a hell of a lot of pain (Big thank you to the wonderful nurse who came to check on me in recovery and gave me the hugest hug as i broke down in her arms) it was successful. One solid mass was removed, now all i had left to do was heal. Fun!

Weeks passed, my bump vanished, my boobs went back to normal, it was like i was never pregnant. And thats the strange thing no one understands about Molar Pregnanices, because yeah sure there is no baby, depending on the type you have.. does that mean you shouldnt grieve? Does that mean you should just pretend it never happened? Of course not, it did happen. That stupid quirk of nature happened to you, did it happen for a reason? Maybe. Is it shit? Hell yeah it is! But life goes on.

I named my loss Dalton. Yes I don't know if he was ever there, i never asked what kind of Molar Pregnancy I had, and to be honest I don't want to know.. Would it help knowing that my baby suffered or even that my baby was never there in the first place? Who knows, but I am content knowing that my little one is at peace, and I will do everything I can to make my angel proud...

Some people may not think like that if they go through Molars, some might choose to forget, others may never give a name, while others might react the same as me.. Women all recover and think differently, but for me it helps. It was much easier to tell people i lost my baby boy, than to go into all of the above details and tell them I dont actually know if the baby ever existed and so on.

Don't be Alone

I want to start raising awareness which is why i have come out with my story about my Molar Pregnancy, because i cannot believe the amount of people i have heard of close to my friends or family who have been through the same, and feel like they cant talk about if for lots of reasons, one of them being its not a baby you have lost, or the embarrassment of having this stupid quirk of nature happen.

Teenagers are taught all about STI's, AIDs, Sex, Contraception and babies, but i have never heard of schools teaching Teenagers about other quirks of sexual nature, such as Molar Pregnancies. More people need to be made aware that this can happen to you, no matter how healthy you are, and you might not even have a proper explanation for why it happened to you (there are lots of guesses but no exact answer). Molar Pregnancies are becoming more common, from looking online at multiple forums, i cannot believe the amount of people who have suffered from somthing that is meant to be so rare.

SO this is it. My Molar Pregnancy Story, My Pregnancy, My Miscarriage. All of it, out in the open, and I hope people become more aware of Molar Pregnancies, and for anyone scared of being pregnant, or have been through a miscarriage whether Molar or not, there is always support out there, whether its by leaving a comment for me to respond to, or the websites posted at the end of this post. There is the support, and there will always be someone there to listen to you.

Its a strange world we live in, and when you feel like you're on top of it something new will come and sweep you off your feet.

Thank you for reading, and i hope you "enjoy" (not sure if thats the right word but hey ho!) this post.

Write Soon

Shannon x

Song of the Day: Bells of Freedom by Bon Jovi
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8JoaJFCb2aM

http://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/information/causes-tests-and-treatment/?gclid=Cj0KEQjwxZieBRDegZuj9rzLt_ABEiQASqRd-sW3kRfhL6YzGYxWO2DVcFrHtlmiaR0u3VXVbPo9138aAmZG8P8HAQ#molar - The Miscarriage Association, giving info on Miscarriages including Molar Pregnancies.
http://www.molarpregnancy.co.uk/ - The Molar Pregnancy Support and Info Group (I found lots of support on this website and it was this website that made me realise i really wasnt alone)
https://www.facebook.com/groups/218351778227611/?notif_t=group_r2j_approved - Facebook Support Group